Hello, is this the new David Archuleta Shop?
Why yes it is, how can we help you?
I’d like to order the item pictured above, please.
The jacket? Sorry, that’s not in our inventory.
No, not just the jacket, everything in the photo.
You’d like to order that particular photo?
No, no, no, no… what’s IN the photo.
I’m not sure I’m understanding you correctly. Mr. David Archuleta is in the photo.
Yes! Thank you! Exactly!!! Can I get express delivery?
We appreciate your call but I don’t think you understand how the shop works. We don’t deliver actual human beings.
Can I help you with anything else? We have hoodies as soft as a baby rabbit’s ears. A cool phone grip to keep your screen steady when you get an alert that Mr. Archuleta has launched an insta live. Tote bags to carry all the tissues you’ll need next time he sings Aiming for Hope. And lots of other great stuff.
Do you do rentals?
Buy on instalments?
What if I can find a Groupon?
You won’t. Look, I suggest you browse through the actual shop items, I’m sure you’ll find an inanimate object you’ll like.
I’ll need to think about it, I really had my heart set. Can you maybe put my name on a waiting list?