A security camera happened to catch this very important conversation.*
The camera follows David Archuleta as he pushes a cart through Whole Foods, pausing to read the label on a box of Honey Bunches of Oats.
His phone starts blasting a tinny “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp.”
“Whoa, that’s American Idol‘s ringtone! Haven’t heard from them in a while,” he says to Winnie, the 96-year-old grocery clerk who’s just told him her life story, which he plans to write a song about after giving her a lift home and painting her shutters. David puts the call on speaker phone, tossing the cereal box in his cart. “Hola!”
“Hi Mr. Archewletta, I’m an intern here making initial calls, glad I caught you. I’m calling about the final American Idol finale.”
“Huh? The series is ending?? I had no idea. What with the Pokemon anniversary and all, I’ve been pretty busy.” Winnie winks at David, cracks open the cereal box and they both start snacking.
“Yes, it’s going to be the last show and there’s lots of big plans in the works.”
“Plans? From who?”
“From that Idol bigwig … the British guy.”
“The one with the dyed hair, fake tan and Botox.”
“Gotta narrow it down for me, dude.”
“Um, not sure actually, they kind of all blend together. Anyway, some exciting things in the works!”
“Cool! Not sure I can make it though, I’ll see what I can do but can’t promise anything. My singing roused six people from comas last week and I have 10 more scheduled over the next few days.”
“Wow, that’s incredible.”
“No biggie. I’m sure all the other Idol alums are doing the same. I’m curious, what do you guys have planned?”
“Great stuff. Dynamite. The producers want to get back to focusing on the contestants.”
“Awesome! So, some group numbers with the Top 10?”
“Some of their original songs?”
“Duets with the finalists and current bands, like the one I did with One Republic?”
“No, not that either. But we know how much the contestants love the judges so each judge gets a 10 minute solo. With back-up dancers. And dry ice. Even a judge everyone forgot was on the show. She gets 15 minutes. You know, to focus on what the contestants want.”
“And there’s a country-western tribute.”
“With all the Idol alums doing country music?”
“Ya! Plus Constantine. And there’s a rock medley too.”
“With all the Idol alums doing rock music?”
“Yes. Oh, Constantine’s in that one too.” The intern rifles through his notes. “There must be some mistake here… this list shows Constantine’s in every single number.”
“He even volunteered to sing ‘She Bangs’.”
“The producers really want some special ‘moments’ for the finale, since that’s what Idol’s famous for.”
“Great! Gee, I really wish I wasn’t so booked up. I could sing ‘The Prayer’ or my hit song ‘Crush’ or David Cook and I could duet in a tribute to Michael Johns.”
“All terrific ideas, but we had an even better one.”
“That you sing ‘Imagine’ as a duet.”
“With Trent? I heard he really liked that song.”
“No, with Crying Girl, I’ve got her agent on the other line.” The intern hears a dial tone. “Mr. Archewletta? Are you there?? Hello? Hello?”
Winnie, in one of her classic Tai Chi moves, high-kicks David’s phone into the produce aisle where it bounces across the arugula, rolls through the peas, then sleeps with the zucchini.**
And they all lived conspiracy theoryishly ever after.
*Technically, no. And by technically, I mean not even remotely.
**If any of you gets this reference, I will buy you lunch. 🙂
Does anyone else love the irony of that opening group number being the song “One Voice”? … Yes, indeed, that’s what that whole show ended up being about for me.
More security cam footage… of Winnie’s granddaughter! 🙂
hung out with David archuleta today at work guys, no big deal:) pic.twitter.com/BtNJPvRl17
— sid the kyd (@sydneyhampton19) April 13, 2016