GIF credit to the loveliest lovely of them all, @rhiminee
A security camera happened to catch this very important conversation.*
The camera follows David Archuleta as he pushes a cart through Whole Foods, pausing to read the label on a box of Honey Bunches of Oats.
His phone starts blasting a tinny “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp.”
“Whoa, that’s American Idol‘s ringtone! Haven’t heard from them in a while,” he says to Winnie, the 96-year-old grocery clerk who’s just told him her life story, which he plans to write a song about after giving her a lift home and painting her shutters. David puts the call on speaker phone, tossing the cereal box in his cart. “Hola!”
“Hi Mr. Archewletta, I’m an intern here making initial calls, glad I caught you. I’m calling about the final American Idol finale.”
“Huh? The series is ending?? I had no idea. What with the Pokemon anniversary and all, I’ve been pretty busy.” Winnie winks at David, cracks open the cereal box and they both start snacking.
“Yes, it’s going to be the last show and there’s lots of big plans in the works.”
“Plans? From who?”
“From that Idol bigwig … the British guy.”
“Which one?”
“The one with the dyed hair, fake tan and Botox.”
“Gotta narrow it down for me, dude.”
“Um, not sure actually, they kind of all blend together. Anyway, some exciting things in the works!”
“Cool! Not sure I can make it though, I’ll see what I can do but can’t promise anything. My singing roused six people from comas last week and I have 10 more scheduled over the next few days.”
“Wow, that’s incredible.”
“No biggie. I’m sure all the other Idol alums are doing the same. I’m curious, what do you guys have planned?”
“Great stuff. Dynamite. The producers want to get back to focusing on the contestants.”
“Awesome! So, some group numbers with the Top 10?”
“Um, no.”
“Some of their original songs?”
“Nope.”
“Duets with the finalists and current bands, like the one I did with One Republic?”
“No, not that either. But we know how much the contestants love the judges so each judge gets a 10 minute solo. With back-up dancers. And dry ice. Even a judge everyone forgot was on the show. She gets 15 minutes. You know, to focus on what the contestants want.”
“Mkaaay.”
“And there’s a country-western tribute.”
“With all the Idol alums doing country music?”
“Ya! Plus Constantine. And there’s a rock medley too.”
“With all the Idol alums doing rock music?”
“Yes. Oh, Constantine’s in that one too.” The intern rifles through his notes. “There must be some mistake here… this list shows Constantine’s in every single number.”
“Wow.”
“He even volunteered to sing ‘She Bangs’.”
“Cool.”
“The producers really want some special ‘moments’ for the finale, since that’s what Idol’s famous for.”
“Great! Gee, I really wish I wasn’t so booked up. I could sing ‘The Prayer’ or my hit song ‘Crush’ or David Cook and I could duet in a tribute to Michael Johns.”
“All terrific ideas, but we had an even better one.”
“Like what?”
“That you sing ‘Imagine’ as a duet.”
“With Trent? I heard he really liked that song.”
“No, with Crying Girl, I’ve got her agent on the other line.” The intern hears a dial tone. “Mr. Archewletta? Are you there?? Hello? Hello?”
Winnie, in one of her classic Tai Chi moves, high-kicks David’s phone into the produce aisle where it bounces across the arugula, rolls through the peas, then sleeps with the zucchini.**
And they all lived conspiracy theoryishly ever after.
THE END
*Technically, no. And by technically, I mean not even remotely.
**If any of you gets this reference, I will buy you lunch. 🙂
p.s.
Does anyone else love the irony of that opening group number being the song “One Voice”? … Yes, indeed, that’s what that whole show ended up being about for me.
p.p.s.
More security cam footage… of Winnie’s granddaughter! 🙂
hung out with David archuleta today at work guys, no big deal:) pic.twitter.com/BtNJPvRl17
— sid the kyd (@sydneyhampton19) April 13, 2016
SnowAngelz: Canadian fans of David Archuleta 
OOOOooo i love the gif at the start, and love your site, your the best,
It’s a high tech world, and I just knew we would get a comprehensive report at some point. That British (So You Think You Can Dictate) guy never thought we would catch on. Good one, TOfan. Nothing but the facts. 🙂
And David in a BYU Rise and Shout Shirt??!!! If his voice didn’t already have me forever as a fan, that would seal the deal.
“That British (So You Think You Can Dictate) guy” perfect! HA!
Laughing my head off. I think I get the sleeping with the zucchini reference. Is it like sleeping with the fishes? That whole story is totally plausible. Love the part about Constantine. He was everywhere. They could have taken him out of one of his scenes and put David in. I’m still agitated over the whole mess. And, don’t even get me started on JLo shakin that big booty of hers. I’ve already commented on The Voice site about that. UGH! At least the best part of this whole mess is, we’ll never have to hear of American Idol again. As Ryan would say, Seacrest out.
Well technically, Constantine stepped in for a county singer who had to drop out for family bereavement reasons.
*country* singer
TOfan…Debbbbb….I am hysterically ROFLMBO! You touched it ALL here…with such sharp wit, it’s my favorite post this year. I think for me it’s cuz…I needed that. LOL. Every line, every reference…hys-ter-i-cal.
It’s the perfect, humorous “end-cap” for me for an entire AI season of whining that “Idol’s most beautiful Voice” “most beloved contestant” “most sensational contestant” “wasn’t getting his due.”. Then he gets shuffled into the second row (2nd again?!!) while…Constantine(??!!) gets yet another close-up)…I might have had a nervous breakdown…had not David himself, with his usual aplomb, not talked the fans down on his IG post, explaining things. But your post today takes care of anything that might have still been caught in my throat…with humor that rises above all the nonsense that can be American Idol, (I can “imagine” some of those possible scenarios.) Thank you…from the bottom of my formerly bitter heart…between you and the man himself…I can hopefully now put this to rest, move on and focus on what really matters….That One Voice (please ya mean the silent one in the secon row? Yes that One. (oops I slipped!!) ), is still here, ready for the next best thing….me too.
oops, that was “second” row. (I don’t even want to say that again.) lol. moving on..moving on… 😉
I am LMBO here. What taterzen & amb4da & ray & lynnella said.
Maybe this can be Josh Bradley’s next project? 🙂
Oh my gosh, so funny….and yet so real, haha. Great writing, the humour always helps! Yes, I don’t even try to understand the workings of AI….and the finale, even though I enjoyed many of the contestants performances, definitely could have done without certain moments and minutes….and longer minutes. Would have been nice if it had been more about the contestants and more ‘balanced’. Certain moments should have definitely been left to ‘sleep with the zucchini’. Ha.
Thanks for enlightening us with your terrific humour. 🙂
The phone got “squashed”? lol
ROFL, Ms. Bianca’s right, you get dessert! 🙂
baaahaaaaa a little too funny!!!
HE DID AN ACTUAL BLOG!
http://davidarchuleta.com/home/american-idol-final-finale/
Best Blog Ever! He shares so much and the vulnerability, geniuneness and beauty that always comes through when he sings, came through in just words in his blog. I love his joyful and painful insights into his Idol experience. It makes a 360 degree experience for me.
Thanks to David and to SAz for sharing this life adventure since 2008. Even though Idol is over (and, ok. I didn’t hate it, I was happy David was on it and I don’t subscribe to conspiracy theory or he was purposely ignored. Probably more like he didn’t put himself out there like others or be available for more …throw tomatoes–I like “Ugly’s” best 😜)
I am so glad he had the experience of his life and continues to touch base with fans (although he doesn’t get why he has fans….lol…so humble). I’m a fan because I got to listen to music that explains the universe and touches my soul and I got to meet such wonderful people and make lifelong friends. Love ya’all! 😘
Couldn’t agree more, Kiz (except for eschewing my beloved conspiracy theories, lol)… I was watching some of The Voice the other night and it really struck me that no matter how technically skilled the singers were, they didn’t feel “real” the way David does … whether he’s singing or writing a blog, no layer of fakery between him & us. So rare.
And where is everyone??? I need to talk about how beyond amazing David Archuleta is! hahahaha
*EDIT* And his screen grabs from YouTubes and his captions, careful to include everyone’s names?? I cannot.
Where do you want us to be?
Yep. Amazing! How’d we get to be so lucky?!?
And IMHO “Snowangelzz” is a tribute and ongoing dialogue of the amazingness of the artistry of David Archuleta.
Standing “O” to SAz and Ms TOfan! 👏🎉😙
I SECOND THAT, KIZZI
me three ray!
Isn’t sleeping with the zucchini a Gilmore Girls reference? I can’t remember it exactly, but that flashed into my head.
Best blog ever in the history of best blogs. Can you imagine David trying to do that one as a vlog with six different lists of people’s names so he didn’t forget anyone?
So well written and sincere. I am ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
That’s it! I owe you a lunch, Ms. B. 🙂
Yay!!!
Though I did find Barb’s guess that it meant the phone got “squashed” to be worth at least dessert. 😉
I agree! 🙂 Chocolate zucchini bread on me! 🙂
That blog has to be one of the sweetest things I’ve ever read. Like Paula said. This boy is a gem !!!!
I love this post! Love the humor and it made me laugh out loud. I also loved David’s heartfelt, detailed blog about his time on American Idol and the finale. I’m so glad he was able to go and have some closure. It certainly was a tough thing for a 16/17 year old shy boy to do, but I am so glad he did.
Aww Deb, I was exhausted and did my before bed Twitter check. So glad I did!
THIS!!!: “Cool! Not sure I can make it though, I’ll see what I can do but can’t promise anything. My singing roused six people from comas last week and I have 10 more scheduled over the next few days.” I teared up with laughter 😂! Your writing roused me from my coma!
You. Are. The. BEST!
I can’t get over that little clip of him striding onstage, looking so confident and self-assured, and now we read his blog that he was anxious and nervous and praying with Jordin and the other contestants backstage to calm down. Appearances sure are deceiving.
So many emotions must’ve bubbled up in him being back there. It was probably therapeutic to process it all by writing it down. Just so thankful he shared it with us. (And love that Jordin even more now, what a sweetie.)
I’m sorry I can’t recall who said it, but someone pointed out, after much concern over his lack of communication, how he, in fact, communicated more than most would ever. He bared his soul to us; telling us the most personal of feelings. True, it probably is therapeutic for him. I love Jordin to have recognized he needed a little help, so she offered to pray with him.
I laughed so much reading the reenactment of the “Idol finale call”, lol, “dyed hair, fake tan, & botox” — “you’ve got to narrow it down for me dude.” and of course, the American Idol ringtone LOL 😂
You’re so right, Martha, I was very moved by how open he was in that blog… and now, when he does share with us, we know it’s because he’s made the decision to do it, not because a manager or handlers are telling him to, or just because fans are demanding it. Quality over quantity works for me.
Like this! 🙂
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Quality over quantity works for me too TOfan. Loved David’s blog, so real and thoughtful. Nice he is out enjoying a concert (and sharing it).
Love one of the comments on this: “Thanks for sharing David, isn’t it fun being a fan! 😉 ” hahaha
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awwww…..
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Seeing this did that for me so I guess he’s done. 🙂
Can anyone spot David & Kari in there somewhere? 🙂
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Since the AI finale he’s been more active on social media. Crossing my fingers that he continues to tweet, instagram, Facebook and blog more. Better yet, release some of his new music or at least give us a hint when it will be done.
Me too about those hints, Grammyj! But iif getting that dang new music finished means he needs to delete his Twitter/IG/FB apps again, I’m all for it! LOL … getting itchy for that Numb single, at least, thank goodness I still have the audio from my outlawed video to listen to, lol
And cool to see David’s & Brooke’s posts made Billboard, and GASP, they used an up-to-date picture of him, wut?!? 🙂
http://www.billboard.com/articles/news/7334032/david-archuleta-brooke-white-share-american-idol-finale-thoughts-from-inside
whoah, dude’s a tweetin’ MACHINE!
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kari is periscoping the tofw event!
https://www.periscope.tv/kariontour/1BdxYDlAneoJX
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https://www.instagram.com/p/BEPbN2PlTcK/
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