Are you ready for Uncle David?
Congratulations to David’s sister Claudia & her husband Adam. Violeta Oquirrh Platt will be born early Spring! (KS) pic.twitter.com/KvUSc9LQps
— David Archuleta (@DavidArchie) November 12, 2013
No, seriously, are you ready???
As Batya put it so well:
BRACE YOURSELVES: 9288378273 PICTURES OF DAVID HOLDING THIS CHILD.
— Batya (@Batya11394) November 12, 2013
I feel it is my public duty to make sure everyone is fully prepared for the onslaught of cuteness and second-generation awwchuletaness that we are about to be subjected to.
This is not to be taken lightly, people. Come Spring 2014, we will be a quivering mass of two-year-drought neediness. Couple that with glimpses — or *gasp* vlogs! — of David holding little Violeta and, well, just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
So here’s an Uncle Archie primer designed to prepare you for the inevitable so you’ll be moderately able to function when Tío starts spamming us with Cuteness Overload baby pics.
First, a basic tolerance test. Do you find this cute?
If you answered yes, keep going.
If you answered no, hook up with Dorothy and the Scarecrow, ’cause you need a heart, my friend.
Uncle Archie Survival Guide Step 1:
Watch this until you no longer hold out your hands the same time D’Arch does. (Nothing he hates more than when someone fumbles a baby.)
Here it is again in slo-mo in case you need more practice…
Repeat after me: “This is only mildly adorable. This is only mildly adorable.”
Try to focus on the kid … the short one… the REALLY short one…
I said focus!!! I see you glancing to the left then back over to the right!!!!!
Stare at this until it becomes obvious that it was all staged in an act of shameless self-promotion for the row of Glad Christmas Tidings on display.
(If you immediately thought, “What GCT display?” I really don’t think I can help you.)
Always remember that David is merciless in his cute photo ops. He may pull something totally unexpected so you best be ready for anything, even this:
Also be prepared for all manner of distractions, in addition to his little niece … like beanies:
Dr. Seuss hats…
beware them all!
If the David-holding-baby pics get too much for you, take a break, take a walk, watch a Chuckie movie, or just flip back through old pre-Uncle pics, like this one:
You can thank me later.